Heart Breaks. They suck. Everyone can agree with that. And depending on the severity of the heart break you can almost literally feel your heart breaking. It becomes extremely hard to breathe. It seems as if the tears will never stop. It seems as if you wish your heart would stop beating just so you wouldn't have to put up with the feeling.
There seems to be nothing that can make it feel better. Your heart is crushed into many little pieces. And a future where the pieces are glued back together just seems impossible.
I'd be lying if I said I've never had my heart broken. Because yes I have. Many, many times. And it wasn't until the last two years where I put the pieces of my heart in a box and kept it locked away.
Now only because this is my blog, and I want to be emotionally honest when I write in this, I'll admit I have cried over a girl. When I've had my heart broken.
So let's revisit some of the worst ones. Why I'm doing this I don't know. But I feel its important to talk about the good and the bad equally when it comes to anything especially something as complicated as love.
There was a girl, she was my first girlfriend waaaayyy back in the day. Waaaay back in the Dark Ages. We never did anything except talk a lot and pass each other notes throughout the school days. We'd hang out at lunch, she'd blush when I complimented her, and we'd grin when we flirted with each other. She was the first girl I burned a CD for. With songs that I really liked and that made me think of her.
Some of which I still remember, and once in a blue moon when I hear the songs, I briefly think about her.
One of the songs I used to listen to for hours on end because it made me think about her was called "Why Can't I?" By Liz Phair. Ahh the memories. I had to put it on right now. Listening to this song.
The main chorus line was "why can't I breathe whenever I think about you? Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you?"
And I loved that song because it really was how I felt about her. It was the first time I had ever really felt those infamous butterflies. And most importantly I felt them even more because she liked me back.
We had been friends and then one day she came into class crying because some douche bag that she had a crush on had made her cry. She looked so vulnerable and I wanted nothing more than to put my arms around her, and that was when I fell for her.
Unfortunately, the good things in my life never last and because we were in middle school, and several things happened over the course of one random week we ended it. And I didn't want it to end. To me she was the most beautiful girl I had ever known.
She had long brown wavy hair, braces and glasses, and while she thought she looked terrible I thought she was better than an angel. Eventually that hair straightened, the glasses turned to contacts and the braces came off and I thought she was more dazzling than ever. And she still is beautiful. We still talk, we're friends.
But that was my first real heartbreak. I cried for a couple nights in a row. Never letting anyone see me cry. And the worst thing about that heartbreak was knowing she would move on and do better. Knowing that I wasn't what she wanted in a guy. And that crushed me.
I've been led on a couple of times by other girls through the years.
And even the girl that said I love you to me and I said it back. She let things get in between us to where even when I tried I couldn't keep together. And that hurt, because after everything we'd been through she had left me behind as if I was nothing.
I felt like I wasn't good enough. And this was the summer before Junior Year. And after her. After so many fights and tears and problems and lies between us, I took the pieces of my heart and I locked them away.
After her I had only a handful of crushes and one girlfriend. But none of them were as a strong as the girl who I said ILY to. I'm not saying or blaming her for breaking my heart. I mean yes it was broken. But instead of wanting it fixed, I locked away my emotions promising myself that I wouldn't let myself get crushed anymore.
And I've kept that promise. I know it's not a good thing because soon my emotions became numb for the longest time and I didn't seem to care. And now there are very few things I cry about. I can't seem to access the tears anymore. Even when I do cry it's only for a little bit and then they dry up.
I'm not going to lie, I don't like being emotionless when it comes to these things, but for so long they've been put away, I'm kind of stuck like that now.
And I know one day I'll take my heart out of the box and the pieces will be back together and the heart will be ready to give all it's love to a lucky girl.
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