A MidSemester Night's Dream

Day Seven.

Ok, I'm cheating a little. Because I wrote this poem a long time ago. Like literally in 2010. But I still really like it and it even inspired a short story that I went on to write later that year.

The poem isn't a lie. I actually did have a dream about a girl that I used to like and when I woke up I had tears in my eyes because I woke up and realized that it had all been a dream. Just a simple dream I had in the middle of semester.

And I was really proud of myself for the clever title for it, playing on Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream.

Anyways, enjoy:

A MidSemester Night's Dream

                   

Her hand closes with mine, our fingers intertwine.

She smiles and everything is alright. I open my mouth

To say "I love you". But at that moment my eyes open.

I can't help but smile. My night was wonderful

Thanks to seeing her in my dream. Days pass

As love resurfaces. Love spreads through my veins. 

After all that time of pushing away feelings, they are released. 

They consume me. They consume my heart. And I don't mind. 

My heart leaves me and belongs to the one who will never want it.

Only in my dreams, will I say,

"I love you."

But from her lips those three words 

will never be said for me. 

My heart belongs 

A Dream. 

  

Heart Breaks

This was for Day Six.

Heart Breaks. They suck. Everyone can agree with that. And depending on the severity of the heart break you can almost literally feel your heart breaking. It becomes extremely hard to breathe. It seems as if the tears will never stop. It seems as if you wish your heart would stop beating just so you wouldn't have to put up with the feeling.

There seems to be nothing that can make it feel better. Your heart is crushed into many little pieces. And a future where the pieces are glued back together just seems impossible.

I'd be lying if I said I've never had my heart broken. Because yes I have. Many, many times. And it wasn't until the last two years where I put the pieces of my heart in a box and kept it locked away.

Now only because this is my blog, and I want to be emotionally honest when I write in this, I'll admit I have cried over a girl. When I've had my heart broken.

So let's revisit some of the worst ones. Why I'm doing this I don't know. But I feel its important to talk about the good and the bad equally when it comes to anything especially something as complicated as love.

There was a girl, she was my first girlfriend waaaayyy back in the day. Waaaay back in the Dark Ages. We never did anything except talk a lot and pass each other notes throughout the school days. We'd hang out at lunch, she'd blush when I complimented her, and we'd grin when we flirted with each other. She was the first girl I burned a CD for. With songs that I really liked and that made me think of her.

Some of which I still remember, and once in a blue moon when I hear the songs, I briefly think about her.
One of the songs I used to listen to for hours on end because it made me think about her was called "Why Can't I?" By Liz Phair. Ahh the memories. I had to put it on right now. Listening to this song.

The main chorus line was "why can't I breathe whenever I think about you? Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you?"

And I loved that song because it really was how I felt about her. It was the first time I had ever really felt those infamous butterflies. And most importantly I felt them even more because she liked me back.

We had been friends and then one day she came into class crying because some douche bag that she had a crush on had made her cry. She looked so vulnerable and I wanted nothing more than to put my arms around her, and that was when I fell for her.

Unfortunately, the good things in my life never last and because we were in middle school, and several things happened over the course of one random week we ended it. And I didn't want it to end. To me she was the most beautiful girl I had ever known.

She had long brown wavy hair, braces and glasses, and while she thought she looked terrible I thought she was better than an angel. Eventually that hair straightened, the glasses turned to contacts and the braces came off and I thought she was more dazzling than ever. And she still is beautiful. We still talk, we're friends.

But that was my first real heartbreak. I cried for a couple nights in a row. Never letting anyone see me cry. And the worst thing about that heartbreak was knowing she would move on and do better. Knowing that I wasn't what she wanted in a guy. And that crushed me.

I've been led on a couple of times by other girls through the years.

And even the girl that said I love you to me and I said it back. She let things get in between us to where even when I tried I couldn't keep together. And that hurt, because after everything we'd been through she had left me behind as if I was nothing.

I felt like I wasn't good enough. And this was the summer before Junior Year. And after her. After so many fights and tears and problems and lies between us, I took the pieces of my heart and I locked them away.

After her I had only a handful of crushes and one girlfriend. But none of them were as a strong as the girl who I said ILY to. I'm not saying or blaming her for breaking my heart. I mean yes it was broken. But instead of wanting it fixed, I locked away my emotions promising myself that I wouldn't let myself get crushed anymore.

And I've kept that promise. I know it's not a good thing because soon my emotions became numb for the longest time and I didn't seem to care. And now there are very few things I cry about. I can't seem to access the tears anymore. Even when I do cry it's only for a little bit and then they dry up.

I'm not going to lie, I don't like being emotionless when it comes to these things, but for so long they've been put away, I'm kind of stuck like that now.

And I know one day I'll take my heart out of the box and the pieces will be back together and the heart will be ready to give all it's love to a lucky girl.

True Love Waits...Or Does It?

Day Five. Warning this does indeed deal with sex.

The saying true love waits is infamous. I believe. Honestly almost every single time I've heard that from a person, they usually end up breaking that "wait".

Call me really really old fashion but I honestly don't think sex is an essential part of a relationship...until later. I want a relationship where the girl will end up being one of my best friends. I want someone that will have similar interests as mine yet still be different enough to bicker with me. I want a cuddle buddy damn it. And when I think of wanting a girlfriend I don't think about someone that'll have sex with me.

I don't want sex until we've been together for a long time and we're both ready for it. I was never against the idea of waiting till marriage. More than anything I just wanted to wait until a perfect right time.

And it wasn't until recently when discussing it with one of my friends that I realized that as much as I may or may not like it to be sex is another way to get to know your person. So why would you get married with them if you didn't know/and weren't sure of every aspect of who they are. Sex is a part of that.

So yes I want to wait until I've been in the relationship for a while, and I'll wait till the time is right and when it happens it'll happen.

And although I've heard not to, I'll try to make it romantic. Because that's just the romantic in me.

Now this post isn't me preaching for everyone to hold onto it as long as they can! Or even go hand it out to everyone and anyone.

My advice is just make sure you're totally ready and do yourself a favor and make sure it's someone you really care about and love, and more importantly that they have shown you that they really care and love you as well.

Looking at it from a female's perspective, I've lost count of how many female friends I have that are "in love" with their boyfriends and ending up giving it up. And as soon as that was done things changed, and they were crushed. And I felt bad and in some cases I was left to help her pick up the pieces. Only to have her go on to the next one.

Maybe that's something that has scarred me. I don't want to hurt a girl like that. I don't know.

And there's very few odds that whoever you give it to will truly be your true love. I'm not saying it will.

Let's change the phrase "true love waits" to something like "love will still be there regardless of the sex".

Sex is just the next level/step in a relationship. I get that. But that's no reason to rush through all the other levels to get there. Enjoy the whole game, don't skip to that level. Take your time. Don't skip the steps on stairs to the point where you're left out of breath because you rushed.

Enjoy the game one level at a time. And enjoy the view from each step as you ascend to that high level. So when indeed you do make it there, it'll be something meaningful. And you'll look back at your journey with a grand smile.

Not gonna lie my inner romantic went all goo-goo for this picture. I really like it.

Single and Ready to Mingle (Pros and Cons of Being Single)

Day 4. I'm single and ready to mingle! Not really. I'm single, and no my heart doesn't belong to anyone. I just don't really want a relationship right now. I mean I do want one. But I kind of don't. Because I don't think I'm totally ready to handle being in a relationship. More of that on another day. For now we shall just focus on pros and cons.

Pros:
Lots of me time. No this isn't some dirty innuendo.

More time for friends.

Don't have to spend as much money (yayyyy says the cheapo in me).

You can flirt with anyone and everyone.

No relationship problems.

Don't have to report to anyone besides your parents.

You're more open to whatever life may throw at you, que sera sera.

You can focus more on things like school, jobs etc.

Ok these pros sounded better in my head, and they sound lame but honestly they're aren't. I really am glad for those things. I'm happy being single for the time being.

Cons:
(All these are assuming you don't have friends with benefits/bed buddies etc)

No cuddling.

No one special there for you.

No hanging out/talking for hours with a person you love. Although granted you could hang out with your best friend or something. But it's just not the same.

No special anniversary gifts/dates/fun little plans like that.

Sometimes you just want to have someone that doesn't qualify as a friend. They're your lover and your friend and no matter how much you may be happy some days you do want more. Myself included.

So yes I like being single right now and I'm not complaining. But I also would like a relationship maybe sometime in the near future. I want someone to cuddle with and show my love to in a different way than how I show my friends my love for them.

So this post came out pretty lame. I apologize, I don't feel good, I feel like I'm about to fall asleep any minute now. But whateves. I'll be fine and tomorrow we'll talk about something exciting like heart breaks! Yay!

I thought this was a good quote for any single person, that feels sad from time to time for being single.

True Love/Soul Mates

Day 3.

True Love.
Soul Mates.
L'ame soeur (In French).
Open link and listen to this song while reading this post; this song is what I think of when I think of what soul mates are.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3bFOT1e-AU


Do they exist? I'd like to think so. I'd like to believe that there are souls that are meant for each other. I'd love to think that everyone has another half to them. In fact yes I do think there are soul mates for everyone. Do we always find them? That is where I think it all falls apart. I think there are other halves but sometimes they aren't found. And that's depressing. Not everyone finds who they are supposed to be with. And it's scary.

One of the goals in life is to find our happiness right? What if we think we find it when in reality it wasn't our true happiness? It's frightening. And what are you supposed to do? How will you know if you've found the one? In my world, you would know because you would feel it. You'd get to know every single part of this person, what makes them beautiful and what makes them flawed and you would still love every single part of them.

Little Things by One Direction talks about well the little things that make up their loved one, that they still love them for it. Things such as squeezing into their pants, drinking tea before going to bed (ohh you British people), and trivial things like freckles on their faces, and other such things. And that's all good. I agree with that you will find someone that you love all those things about them. And to quote one of their other songs "that's what makes you beautiful".

But likewise Kelly Clarkson's song Dark Side talks about a dark part of her. Perhaps it's a depression that the person has had, a time in their life when they were vulnerable and contemplated things like self-harm and suicide. And you know what, if you truly love someone you will also love those "dark sides". It only makes them more human, and perhaps all the more beautiful because they felt like they weren't good enough. And it's up to you to show them that they are.

I personally always find myself more attracted to someone when I see a vulnerable side to them. I love the idea that I can help them and comfort them. Just like Coldplay's song Fix You, says "And the tears come streaming down your face, when you lose something you can't replace, when you love someone but it goes to waste, could it be worse? Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you."

Your soul mate will be someone you love because of everything they do, whether it's blush when you compliment them, make funny jokes, or they're comfortable enough to show you their vulnerability. And vice versa. You will feel beautiful (handsome) when you're being silly, when you dress up, because they will make you feel so, and even when "your tears stream down your face", you will feel on top of the world and more importantly you will feel loved.

I do believe in true love. All we have to do is keep our eyes open and make sure that if we love someone it's at a hundred percent, and that they will feel exactly the same.

If you love someone and they don't love you back, then guess what? That is not your soul mate. A soul mate will be someone you love and they love you back completely. But that is another topic for another day.

Look for love in the most unexpected places. Or don't look for it. If all we need is love, I'm sure love will find it's way into our life. Whether we expect it or not, whether we want it or not. It will be there.

Family = Love

Day two of the 14th day challenge. 

Discussing Family and the love for them. 

If you've kept up with my blog you know that my grandpa passed away in Dec. And yesterday I found out my other grandpa passed away. The one that lived in Mexico. He was the only family member from both of my families, that I knew was like me in the sense that he always had a book with him. And people say I look like him a little. He has- had a butt chin like me. 

And so now I have no grandparents waiting for me in Mexico. My grandma passed away about 9 years ago on Christmas Eve. 

Under tough circumstances I never got to meet her, or my grandpa that passed away. And I want to cry and be angry that all I have now are some old pictures and memories of phone calls. But the tears don't come. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of hurting. 

My grandparents would always call me "mi vida", which means my life in Spanish, but it was used as a term of endearment. And I loved listening to them call me that because even as I grew older I always felt like a little kid when talking to them. And although I never met them I could hear the love they had for me in their voices it was something special and sweet. 

With my grandparents that I do know I could always see it or feel by their actions. But with my grandparents in Mexico I could hear it in their voices. 

I remember when I was younger I was worried that any of my grandparents would feel bad or be jealous that I loved my other ones as well. And now I know it's silly. Because I love those four people with all of my heart. 

I may be weird but I love old people, and more importantly I love my old people. My grandparents. I would go to my grandma's house she'd cook us a yummy breakfast and then she'd go about cleaning her house my my sister played with her dogs and my grandpa and I sat outside in the backyard, while he took a nap and I read. 

I would call my grandparents from Mexico and my grandma would talk about all the foods that she would cook for me once we were together, and my grandpa would talk about the places that he would take me. This didn't get to happen. But I still want to go to Mexico and visit where they lived, where they walked, where they visited. I still want and plan to do that someday. And I know that I won't be alone. They'll be there holding my hands so to speak. 

All I have left in this world is one grandma. And she can be your typical cranky Mexican grandma, but I love her to death, and my other three grandparents hold a very special place in my heart, but for now I'll enjoy the one I have left. And I hope I have her for a really long time. 

I don't want a world where my grandparents don't exist. But I know it'll happen. And that'll hurt. So my goal is to show my kids how great it is to spend time with grandparents. I will make them bond with my parents. 

I'd like to say that I know I'll see my grandparents soon. But then that just means I hope I die soon so I can see them. But I want to live. I want to do the things my grandparents promised me. I want to be hardworking and ready for whatever life throws at me like my grandpa showed me. I want to make them proud. So instead I'll say I want to live, I know I'll see them someday and I wouldn't mind dreaming about them from time to time. I'll enjoy it. 

I love them all. 

Definition of Love

Today is the first day of February and you know what that means. Let the 14 Day Project commence!

So today's topic as I said would be is, the definition of love.

So what is the definition of love?

Love-
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

Straight out of dictionary.com!

So there you have it.

Funny enough each of those definitions are things that I plan to talk about over the course of these 14 days. So love? We've seen the definition of it. And yet we all know love is so much more than that.

Love is falling head over heels, love is when you can't get them out of your mind and more importantly your heart. Love is when you don't want to live without someone (and perhaps every once in a while you don't want to live with them).

One important thing that isn't mentioned is the fact that love is also pain. Who hasn't cried for someone they love?

Love is being vulnerable and if it's the right kind of love you will never have to be worried about attacked while you're vulnerable.

Love is knowing there's pain and not caring.

Right now at this moment in life I'm not in love with anyone. But there are people I love. I love my parents, sister, grandparents, and other extended family. I love my friends. I love my dogs because yes I consider my pets as a part of my loved ones. I don't have the kind of love everyone looks for, but I do know what love is and I do have some form of love in my life.

And because of that for the time being I'm okay with it.

"All you need is love", yes I can agree with that statement. But it doesn't matter what type of love you have. As long as you're capable of loving someone. And realize that there is at least one other person who does love you.

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I was just gone, not dead, just gone. And I'd like to think my loved ones would miss me. And some days that's enough to keep me going.

At the end of the day love is love. It's not something simple that can be truly defined by looking it up online. Love is so much more than that. It's complicated stuff.  And I'm fine with it.