Future

Future, that little word is kinda scary, at least to me. The future is really overwhelming to say the least and I don't necessarily mean future as in robots taking the world or even a zombie apocalypse. Although yes I think about that too. And I have my little hideouts planned if that ever should happen. I plan to be safe and alive!

But that's not what I mean by future. See with me I've always wanted to be a doctor. For as long as I can remember. Why? Because growing up I've witnessed my grandparents spend more time in the ER than anyone should ever have to. I felt helpless to say the least. I love my grandparents and when I was younger I used to spend more time in their house than my own. For years I have watched my grandpa take six pills in the morning and four in the afternoon. I generally want to help people in any way I can, so combine that with what I've seen and soon as a young kid I wanted to be a doctor. I always worked hard in school and always tried. I maintained really good grades, my Senior year in high school I did an internship in the ER. I've been trying to do what I can.

And now I'm in college. And it's scary, because no longer is the future some far away dream. It's here. I have to get my butt in gear and do everything I can if I want to be a doctor. And I've only been in college for like six weeks but already its intimidating and frustrating. I'd like to think of myself as someone smarter than the average 18 year old. But the truth is (and especially in college) there are thousands of other people way smarter than you. I feel dumb compared to them.

How can I compete with these geniuses? Already I feel like I'm not good enough. And the fact that I do really well in the subjects that don't necessarily matter for what career I want is frustrating. So all I can do other than feeling sorry for myself is push to the next level. Study even more. Work harder. Try and in the end (hopefully) triumph. Some days its depressing because I feel like I will have no chance in hell of getting to where I want to be in life. And others I feel really optimistic and feel like kicking my obstacles in the gonads.

So the future. It's scary. I'm scared. I'm scared I'll fail or I won't be good enough. But I really want to help people, I want to save lives and if I have to not see the light of day for the next ten years to achieve it I will most definitely do it. (I'll just keep plenty of books around for my enjoyment, and food). I will be a doctor damn it! I'm determined to do it. But its always nice to once in a while be able to write down my thoughts and doubts. Can I do it?

My heart says I can. My brain says, "try you must".

And once I'm a doctor I can be that one doctor to rule them all. Ohh yes a world where I rule. Now that's quite the future.